I’m hoping that you’ve found the first two discussions helpful – ‘what’ Attachment Styles are, ‘how’ they develop, and ‘how’ they impact leadership. Now we’re going to discuss how you can become an agent of change to change your Attachment Style.
What can I do to change my Attachment Style? Another great question, thanks! As you may remember from the previous section, our Attachment Styles significantly impact how we show up in the workplace. And even though our Attachment Styles develop in childhood, and can be very entrenched which will affect our behaviour, know that it is possible to change your Attachment Style. Also know, because Attachment Styles are about our emotional and relational space, changing your Attachment Style will take work in both your professional and personal lives. Sound like a big ask? Maybe, but it also comes with big rewards (remember that individuals with a Secure Attachment style show up as trusting and trustworthy, self-aware, emotionally intelligent, relational, co-operative, positive, curious, efficient, effective, high performing, and balanced).
Experiment with the following exercises to see if, over time, your Attachment Style becomes more flexible and secure … or changes.
Exercise 1 : Close your eyes and recall an interaction at work with a colleague that was challenging.
- Was your instinct to pull away (Avoidant Attachment)? If so,
- where did you feel it in your body
- what emotions did you experience
- what were your thoughts
And can you visualize, if you could do this situation again, what it would feel like to stay grounded, in your whole body, connected with your breath, and connected to your thoughts? How might the outcome be different?
- Was your instinct to hold on (Anxious Attachment)? If so,
- where did you feel it in your body
- what emotions did you experience
- what were your thoughts
And can you visualize, if you could do this situation again, what it would feel like to stay grounded, in your whole body, connected with your breath, and connected to your thoughts? How might the outcome be different?
Exercise 2 : Close your eyes and recall a time at work that was particularly difficult for you.
Focus on yourself initially :
- What was your behaviour? (e.g., defensive, shut down, passive, or were you distracted for the rest of the day)
- What was the first emotion you noticed experiencing? (e.g., frustration, anxiety, anger)
- What did you think of yourself? (e.g., did you label yourself ‘weak’, ‘pathetic’, ‘unreasonable’, ‘over the top’)
Now focus on how you viewed other(s) in the situation :
- What did you think of other(s) in this situation? (e.g., did you label them as ‘arrogant’, ‘irresponsible’, ‘aggressive’, ‘passive’)
- Ask yourself “What is underneath my behaviours, emotions and thoughts? What more vulnerable emotions did I experience” (e.g., fear, inadequacy, or worthlessness)
- Ask yourself “What basic, fundamental need(s) was I trying to get met during this situation”? (e.g., wanting approval, being perfect, having control, being respected, being loved)
- Continue to do this with current and/or past interactions. Now take a step back and notice the themes that are common (Based on the work of Dr Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy)
Exercise 3 : Once you have further awareness of your Attachment Style, how it shows up, and what you would like to do instead, plan to take some measured risks (nothing too dangerous to start off with), but try things that push you out of your Attachment comfort zone. If you have an Anxious Attachment Style then try to say “no” when it’s reasonable, or speak up if you disagree, or propose something in a meeting. If you have an Avoidant Attachment Style then try to engage in discussions you would normally shut down in, respond with empathy rather than reacting with frustration, or say “yes” to someone else’s good idea.
You won’t ever completely get rid of your instinct to withdraw, lash out or become pleasing when you feel threatened, afraid, lonely, or abandoned, but you can gain awareness and an increased ability to respond rather than react.